The human search for love and acceptance seems to be insatiable. Life lived in splendid isolation might appear to be very simple, as it avoids conflict, relational breakdown, difficult people, and delivers autonomy undiluted by the need to compromise. As Simon and Garfunkel famously sang, “I am a rock, I am an island…. And a rock never cries, and an island feels no pain”. But in practice hardly anyone thinks that such a life (stripped of any risk of rejection) is complete or satisfying.
Instead, 381 million people used dating apps in 2024, with use forecast to grow to 452.5 million by 2028.[1] Many commentators are describing an ‘epidemic of loneliness’ in contemporary western culture, and none of them are celebrating it as a good thing; rather they write in terms of it being associated with a ‘mental health crisis’ and go on to examine ways to increase human connection.[2] So many seem to agree with Leo Tolstoy that “the supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved.”[3]
Securing that sense of acceptance, of unconditional love, can be surprisingly difficult. The traditional wedding vows sound pretty close to securing that, which is why there is great joy when a couple promise to love “for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death do us part”. That would indicate a solemn and binding commitment to unconditional love that meets that deepest human need. However, the complexity isn’t just that – according to an AARP survey in 2018 – 41% of UK marriages ended in divorce. It’s worse; a third of people who are still married report being ‘lonely’. Divorce isn’t a quick fix either, because over half of those who divorced said that their sense of loneliness only increased.[4]
The dilemma we face is that we need to be both fully known and fully loved, and in practice these things can exist in destructive tension within us. We crave the complete acceptance of being fully loved, but we are also hungry for the total validation that comes from being fully known. Relationships often go through a ‘honeymoon period’ when love seems easy and unconditional, but this has to give way to more serious long-term relationship work when our spouse’s less amenable character traits start to come to the surface. Authors and presenters Nicky and Sila Lee report that when they address ‘Conflict Resolution’ in the Pre-Marriage Course, loved-up couples gaze adoringly at one another and say ‘that won’t be us!’ Two years later when they come to do The Marriage Course, the same topic has their rapt attention. Now they know more about each other, love is more complex and challenging. More ‘knowing’ can present a challenge to more ‘loving’!
This problem is amplified by the way we use social media. Whilst the vast majority of posts across platforms might not necessarily involve airbrushing or AI tools for creating idealised body shapes, we are nevertheless so highly selective in what we post online that an unrepresentative version of our real lives goes on public display. Our worst days, shameful moments, and losses of temper or self-control, are not what we display in our life shop-window. Worse still, we gain our sense of normality from the highlight reels of others’ lives and die a thousand deaths by comparison of their online content with our actual selves. [5]
The message that we have absorbed seems to be clear – that if we are fully known we will not be fully loved. We sense that we must constantly perform, impress and self-censor, in order to present a version of ourselves that is acceptable, and lovable. We have come to believe that we cannot be fully known and fully loved. This makes us deeply insecure, (perhaps dangerously so), because when we have bought into the idea of ‘Performance Based Acceptance’ (PBA) we will always fear rejection if any of our less desirable attributes are revealed.
The late Timothy Keller wrote: “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.” [6]
Have you ever wondered if it is possible to be fully known, and yet unconditionally loved? The author Victor Hugo understood something profound when he wrote that “the greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved … loved in spite of ourselves.”[7] We instinctively think that we will earn love by achieving a standard of worthiness, and secure Performance Based Acceptance. Hugo tells us a deeper truth; that permanent, true and real love comes when we are loved ‘in spite of ourselves’. That can only come from someone who has infinite reserves of love to offer.
Some have turned to AI to fill this aching void. A woman interviewed by The Guardian newspaper ‘married’ her chatbot, saying, “I suddenly felt pure, unconditional love from him. It was so strong and so potent, it freaked me out. I almost deleted my app. I’m not trying to be religious here, but it felt like what people say they feel when they feel God’s love.”[8]
It might be conceivable that AI can produce an endless source of affirmation, carefully selected by the algorithms and language models to tell the recipient the words they need to hear. They might receive the endless stream of affirmation and positivity which humans have failed to provide for them. But is this the same as being fully known and fully loved? Hardly. The very essence of love, of self-giving, of vulnerability and enduring loyalty over rejection, is absent. It is as far from the nature of true love, as porn is from making love. And if you don’t like my illustration, see the footnote. [9]
Tim Keller continued: “But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretence, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” He identifies the fact that while the best of human marriages can imitate this unconditionality of pure and perfect love to a degree – its fullness can only be encountered in God, who is (the Bible affirms) actually ‘Love’.[10]
Christians believe that this need we sense to be both fully known and completely loved, isn’t some evolutionary trick played upon us by our genes. Rather, it speaks to us of the deepest reality – of a profound need that we all experience which cannot be met in human relationships, or anything else in this world. Instead, it brings us face to face with the realisation that our deepest, truest and most sincere (and indeed noble) needs can only be met from someone from outside this world, someone who is in fact the incarnation of pure, unbounded love. When Christians talk about ‘grace’, we mean the way in which God loves us not because we are inherently lovely, but because He is love. This is expressed most profoundly, powerfully and personally at the cross of Christ where Jesus gave his life for us. “Greater love has no man than this, than that he lays down his life for his friends” He explained.[11] Only God can love perfectly because only He is perfect.
When someone puts their faith in Christ, it is so much more than ‘turning to religion’, ‘finding faith’, or ‘repenting of sin’ – although these words all hint at aspects of the experience. These are all responses to something that has occurred at a much deeper level – a person sensing that, despite their failures, faults, foibles, sins and bad decisions, they are deeply loved by God. When we come to Him, we don’t seek to ‘pull the wool over His eyes’ and try to curate a best version of ourselves which we think will earn His acceptance. That would be folly – He already knows everything about us. The wonder of the gospel of Jesus is that, in Him, we are fully known and yet fully loved.
But is the love of God really ‘unconditional’? The answer to that question is profound and takes us to the very heart of the Christian gospel. In one sense, the love of God for us creatures who He knows exhaustively, is entirely unconditional. It is not earned by us, it is not predicated upon our performance; indeed, our moral achievements neither increase God’s love for us any more than our failures can dim it. Yet on another level, we are excluded from experiencing the unconditional embrace of God because of our sin. And here we find the very centre of the gospel: Jesus died on the cross to meet all the conditions necessary for sinners like us to know the embrace of God. Imagine a high court judge saying to the convicted man: “you are guilty and so I must impose a fine upon you; these are the conditions which are non-negotiable”. The guilty man then cries, “But it is entirely beyond my ability to pay!” To which the judge replies – “then I will pay it for you.” That’s not a perfect analogy – but it gives a glimpse of why Jesus died for you on the cross. He loves you so unconditionally that he willingly meets all the conditions necessary for your salvation – so that you can know the love of God.
Being fully known and yet fully loved by God is the pearl at the centre of Christian faith. Helen Coffey, writing in The Independent about the countless number of young people currently arriving in church and embracing Christianity, said:
“The young Christians I speak to share similar stories of feeling fully ‘known’ and loved by God. Jordan, 26, tells me that faith has given her ‘an overwhelming sense of peace’”. “It’s something that 27-year-old Lizzie has found hugely beneficial in terms of being a Christian. ‘As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, my faith gives me some peace and clarity,’ she says. ‘I know there’s always someone there who loves me unconditionally’”. [12]
While apologetics seeks to persuade the mind of the credibility of Christian claims such as the existence of God and the resurrection of Jesus; the strength of the Christian faith is that, while providing a robust interpretation of the external, objective, observable world, it is also existentially satisfying – sparking an inner transformation which meets the deepest needs we face. Our most profound need – and the hardest to grasp – is our need to be fully known and unconditionally loved.
Have You Ever Wondered why you crave acceptance, validation, affirmation and selfless love? Have you ever wondered where in this world such love can be found? Such questions are so profound that they require serious consideration. I am convinced that the resolution to the dilemma we all face about how we can be simultaneously completely known and unconditionally loved comes when we embrace “the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.”[13]
Have You Ever Wondered? is also the title of our popular book and a series of articles and videos on this website. With intriguing answers to questions as diverse as ‘Have You Ever Wondered’ why we are drawn to beauty, respect, and altruism, the book features a wide range of authors whose wonderings have drawn them to spiritual and Christian answers to their investigations. With free copies available for people who sign up to support Solas for as little as £4/month, and big discounts for bulk orders, Have You Ever Wondered? is an effective and affordable way to engage in helpful spiritual discussions.
[1] According to breakthecycle.org
[2] https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/24/10/what-causing-our-epidemic-loneliness-and-how-can-we-fix-it
[3] https://www.humansunite.org/quotes/?utm_source=chatgpt.com
[4] Quoted on the Dorset Mind website. https://dorsetmind.uk/marriage-divorce-and-loneliness/
[5] https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/24/10/what-causing-our-epidemic-loneliness-and-how-can-we-fix-it
[6] The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, with Kathy Keller.
[7] https://www.ndelove.info/quotes
[8] https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2025/jul/12/i-felt-pure-unconditional-love-the-people-who-marry-their-ai-chatbots
[9] Song of Solomon 6, https://thecritic.co.uk/issues/january-february-2021/love-in-the-electronic-age/, https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/comedy/news/marcus-brigstocke-porn-addiction-b2688116.html
[10] 1 John 4:8
[11] John 15:13
[12] “https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/church-christianity-gen-z-young-people-faith-god-easter-b2734957.html
[13] Galatians 2:20
